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Heavy Heart

Heavy Heart

Today, my heart feels super heavy. As we have approached the 1-year Anniversary of the death of my mother and grandmother. Both compelling women fell asleep in death five days apart in late September of 2017. The truth is I have no idea how I feel, other than hurt. I believe in the resurrection hope that Jehovah has promised in the scriptures.

My granny, Lottie, was a wonderful woman; strong, independent, and loving. I've been told that I get most of my personality from her. We are sensitive in nature, but a tower of strength. My granny always talked about having nothing more than a 7th grade education, but she never spoke or acted like someone with a limited education.

My lovely daughter Maddison also reminded me that she used to tell them that she wasn’t as old as dirt, but old as sand. (LOL) As if there’s a big difference.

My granny was the mother of five—one proceeded her in death—at a young age. Although she has married a few times, she spent part of her life as a single mother. She prided herself on being able to raise her kids to stand on their own two feet—one of them dropped the ball though. Anyone who knows my family can tell you which one it is (LOL). Eventually, my granny married a wonderful man; whom she stayed with for over thirty years.

I'm sure she has had her fair share of hurt, but again that tower of strength never let her show that hurt to the world. Gotta love her though because she didn't take any foolishness. My granny used to say, "No matter how bad you feel or how hurt you are, nobody on the outside supposed to know. You never walk outside looking less than a million dollars." Anyone that knew my granny knew that she was a DIVA!!! She was always neat and star-studded, even in a pair of jeans.

I was the first granddaughter, so I spent a lot of time with my granny; she always treated me like I was one of her own daughters. She was easy to talk to, and she told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Be careful what you asked her, you were going to get the complete story.

I feel privileged to have been a part of her life. I wasn’t always able to be there for her, but I was there when she needed me, and I draw comfort from that. Knowing my granny and her independent spirit, when she started getting ill, I visited her in the hospital to hug her and say my goodbye. On that Saturday, I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive, so I mentally prepared myself and my children for what was to come. Although she didn't expire for a few more days, I knew she was not happy with her declining health. She was too independent to need around-the-clock care.

This woman is truly missed; her love, support, knowledge, and funny stories are invaluable.

What can I say about my mom? My best friend, my confidant, and my true ride-or-die, and she was even my swift kick in the behind when I needed it most. If there was an award for perfect mother, she'd win it, no questions. (Next to me, of course...LOL) That doesn't mean we didn’t have our fair share of disagreements. A lot of people don't know that she and I went three months without speaking to each other prior to death, because of a difference in opinion. Let’s not forget that sassy mouth of hers. She said something that cut me like a knife and hurt me deeply. She went so far as to tell me, "If I never see you again, that'll be too soon for me." As all people should do when they are wrong, she came to her senses and apologized. We were like two peas in a pod again, like no time had passed between us.

I can't begin to tell ya’ll about all the trouble we've gotten into over the years. Our relationship was more than just mother and daughter, we were best friends. At the risk of sounding redundant, my true ride-or-die. (Please excuse the cliché LOL). A day never went by without me calling her to tell her about the shenanigans of my day or the silly situations my friends found themselves in. Since her death it have been terribly hard to stop picking up the phone and to call her. The funny part is I really be calling myself because I got her phone, but I never changed the voicemail. So it is still her in a sense.

When I say she was a friend, I mean a good friend. She wasn't the one who would uphold her children in the wrong. If my brother and I treated anyone unfair, she was going to correct us—even at our adult ages—whether we liked it or not. My brother knows all too well about that. In fact, my mom hit him in the back of the head with a piece of cake wrapped in foil while they were at a gas station. He was thirty at the time, and he felt compelled to have a bad attitude with her and his wife. She had to let him know that she was not the one (LOL).

Another time, while my sister-in-law was pregnant with their second child, my brother was once again acting selfish and my mom told my SIL to abort her baby, leave the one she already had with him; move back home with her parents because she didn't have kids before she left home to marry him, so she shouldn't go home with any…..KMSL…

I find humor in this story because my mom, who had recently been baptized as a Jehovah's Witness, doesn’t believe in abortion. She knew life at any stage was precious to Jehovah. As a matter of fact, Psalms 139:16 says, "Your eyes even saw me as an embryo." Nevertheless, it’s still funny that she said that.

Her favorite saying was, "You know life is about CDC—choices, decisions, and consequences. Based on your choices, you make a decision. Based on your decision, you will suffer the consequences, whether good or bad."

My mom, Maryland aka Chy Baby, was truly a gem. She was mild-tempered, kind, and loving, but if you ever made her mad you would get a letter that would slap you out of your chair. What made it hilarious was that she would never curse or use any other form of harsh language. My mom could write a letter that would either make you cry from happiness, or cry from the frustration of wanting to kill her. Anyone who has ever gotten a letter from her always remember, whether it was good or bad.

My ladies have taught me so much over the years. I appreciate all the life lessons—directly or indirectly. My heart is full of joy that I had been privileged to receive training from these wonderful servants of Jehovah. Jehovah says in Proverbs 22:6, "Train a boy in the way he should walk. Even when he grows old, he will not depart from it." I hope I can touch my children, nieces, nephews, and future grandchildren in the same way these ladies have touched me.

Jehovah promised at Acts 24:15, 16 that there will be a resurrection of the righteous and the unrighteous. Because of this, I’ll strive to maintain a clear conscience. Until my ladies are awaken from their sleep at the resurrection. I’ll continue to pray to Jehovah for strength to get through.

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